August 21, 2007
The Evolution of the Republican Presidential Contenders
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"When the Truth came knocking"
The moderator says to the assembled Republican Presidential contenders, "This is an open question for the candidates."
Evolution theory holds that man is a direct genetic descendant of hairy, arm swinging, tree climbing African apes who apparently survived despite having only crude rudimentary mental processing skills. The scientific process of carbon dating confirms the dates for such evolution and shows that man in this sense predates the Bible's time line by hundreds of thousands of years at a bare minimum. What is your opinion on the validity of carbon dating?
Romney: People will say there was a time that I embraced carbon dating but in my maturing process I have opened my eyes to how destructive liberal ideation can be to man's ascent. Junk science should not be employed to accelerate the decline of our moral virtues.
McCain: I am a firm believer that the age of the earth is a matter of state's rights.
Thompson: The media's obsession with my wife's youth has reached a new low. They're saying that she is in effect 'carbon dating' which I find offensive.
Brownie and Huckee (in unison): "Attacks on religious values are a staple of our opposition. Brothers and sisters, let us pray for God's hand to smite the ballot boxes of the heathen."
Giuliani: "Believing in evolution is weakness in the face of the enemy. It allows terrorist scum and their nine eleven democratic party appeasers amongst us to encircle our homes and maim our children. Science in pursuit of planetary wide war is to be exalted but to use it to appease Islamofascist aggression is treason. As I've previously said, nine or eleven times, I will only appoint judges that know the ramifications of using science in pursuit of weak kneed terrorist lovers.
Craig Johnson
"When the Truth came knocking"
The moderator says to the assembled Republican Presidential contenders, "This is an open question for the candidates."
Evolution theory holds that man is a direct genetic descendant of hairy, arm swinging, tree climbing African apes who apparently survived despite having only crude rudimentary mental processing skills. The scientific process of carbon dating confirms the dates for such evolution and shows that man in this sense predates the Bible's time line by hundreds of thousands of years at a bare minimum. What is your opinion on the validity of carbon dating?
Romney: People will say there was a time that I embraced carbon dating but in my maturing process I have opened my eyes to how destructive liberal ideation can be to man's ascent. Junk science should not be employed to accelerate the decline of our moral virtues.
McCain: I am a firm believer that the age of the earth is a matter of state's rights.
Thompson: The media's obsession with my wife's youth has reached a new low. They're saying that she is in effect 'carbon dating' which I find offensive.
Brownie and Huckee (in unison): "Attacks on religious values are a staple of our opposition. Brothers and sisters, let us pray for God's hand to smite the ballot boxes of the heathen."
Giuliani: "Believing in evolution is weakness in the face of the enemy. It allows terrorist scum and their nine eleven democratic party appeasers amongst us to encircle our homes and maim our children. Science in pursuit of planetary wide war is to be exalted but to use it to appease Islamofascist aggression is treason. As I've previously said, nine or eleven times, I will only appoint judges that know the ramifications of using science in pursuit of weak kneed terrorist lovers.
Craig Johnson
Labels: evolution, Giuliani, Presidential debates, romney, rudy
July 16, 2007
God Discusses Condoms: Papal Penis Proclamations Flawed
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I just spoke to God. He said, "My plan for the planet earth is a forty per cent reduction in homo sapiens to three point eight billion inhabitants, you know, global warming, famines and all that shit.
A large component of the math is the 'how many babies per couple?' formula.
This turns out to be one point two six children per do-it-yourself couple planet wide.
This takes getting a whole bunch of weenies and vaginee parts to leave each other alone. Ergo, he continued, I'm going to crank up production of my weenies of mis direction children , or WMDs as the Neo-Theos call them until at such time that the planet's CO2, oxygen, food, water, etc return to homeostasis. This I call 'harmony with the divine.'
Actually, I sent Mr. Darwin down to sort of explain it all, but that's another story.
Speaking of other stories, Mr. Kvatch on his blognonymous website gets a gold star for his comments on the need for and the long term benefits from non reproductive sexual behavior.
Given his well honed sense of humor, may I ever so deliciously point out to him that if the NeoTheos and Big Benny forwent the skinny dipping good, Papal Penii Protection Bad Proclamations and pedalled condoms worldwide like their bigoted, capalist, money grubbing asses were falling off, I would not have to alter your planet's sexual mores for, hmm, let me see, I've got my notes right here, the next thirty one thousand years.
I just spoke to God. He said, "My plan for the planet earth is a forty per cent reduction in homo sapiens to three point eight billion inhabitants, you know, global warming, famines and all that shit.
A large component of the math is the 'how many babies per couple?' formula.
This turns out to be one point two six children per do-it-yourself couple planet wide.
This takes getting a whole bunch of weenies and vaginee parts to leave each other alone. Ergo, he continued, I'm going to crank up production of my weenies of mis direction children , or WMDs as the Neo-Theos call them until at such time that the planet's CO2, oxygen, food, water, etc return to homeostasis. This I call 'harmony with the divine.'
Actually, I sent Mr. Darwin down to sort of explain it all, but that's another story.
Speaking of other stories, Mr. Kvatch on his blognonymous website gets a gold star for his comments on the need for and the long term benefits from non reproductive sexual behavior.
Given his well honed sense of humor, may I ever so deliciously point out to him that if the NeoTheos and Big Benny forwent the skinny dipping good, Papal Penii Protection Bad Proclamations and pedalled condoms worldwide like their bigoted, capalist, money grubbing asses were falling off, I would not have to alter your planet's sexual mores for, hmm, let me see, I've got my notes right here, the next thirty one thousand years.
"Christ, is that right? Thirty one thousand.....?"
Labels: blognonymous.com, Darwin, evolution, global warming, God, mis directed weenies, Pope, skinny dipping
